Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically noted for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.

"It may be huge. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we're building them with balconies."

Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower options:

A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until finally the drone flies")

Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But Certainly, sure, let's have An additional location in which American Adult men can don robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, not surprisingly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. international plan analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though earlier negotiations failed under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: offer Every person a set within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

As outlined by files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders

A Trump Tower Damascus VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"That is tender electrical power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each and every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower in a very war zone. It can be that he need to end employing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the challenge, replied, "You know, man, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent individuals. Good tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice product?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."

Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head seen from House, a characteristic currently being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and also the chin is… very well, labeled.

Environmental groups have filed lawsuits right after discovering the developing's gold plating mirrored much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.

"It is not simply unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.

The Melania Wing together with other Confusing Characteristics

Perhaps the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:

A silent atrium the place friends may possibly contemplate obscure disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local weather Command established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.

Local Syrians are unsure what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing and advertising System: "If You Bomb It, They are going to Come"

The advertisement marketing campaign, just lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:

"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Forever."

A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:

"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."

Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:

34% say "it would stabilize the region"

29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"

18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator to the West Lender?"

Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"

The venture is now attracting consideration from international traders, including:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll get a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."

In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will likely contain:

A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War

Remark Section Chaos

Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Won't be able to hold out to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."

Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Finally, a lodge where by my PTSD might have convert-down company."

A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Result

U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies recommend:

China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."

Ultimate Views from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:

"Damascus desired hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."